Performance jokes

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

One Erection would be a very nice name for a gay band.

What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.

I started a band called 999 megabytes... we still haven't gotten a gig.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...

I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.

Why is America better than Japan at rapping?

Because we're better at dropping bombs.

What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?

Caregiver.

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

These three men wanted to start a band. One had the idea to call them the Rolling Stones, one wanted to call them the Veggies, the other said, "Let's be the Cripples," as they all rolled away.

Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?

Because he couldn't do standup.