Performance jokes
What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
I started a band called 999 megabytes... we still haven't gotten a gig.
Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...
I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.
Why is America better than Japan at rapping?
Because we're better at dropping bombs.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?
Caregiver.
I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.
For 20 seconds.
And only once... :(
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.
Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
These three men wanted to start a band. One had the idea to call them the Rolling Stones, one wanted to call them the Veggies, the other said, "Let's be the Cripples," as they all rolled away.
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.