Perception jokes
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
What did the fat guy say to the skinny guy?
Fat guy: Does this look fat on me?
Skinny guy: No, I don’t think it’s that.
Fat guy: Thinking.
If I were in a staring contest with you, I would be looking at a rainbow.
If you looked in the mirror, you would see an ugly person, which is you.
Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.
Mirrors can’t talk; it’s sad that they can’t laugh at you!
You know somebody has a fat ass when someone is standing between you and them, and all you can focus on is that trunk.
Dark humor is like a dad - not everyone gets it.
A girl had black hair. Also, I threw rubbish at her to realize she wasn't a bin.
Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.
As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
What is a blind person's favorite color?
Black.
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
A disabled man stands up.
A blind man says, "You can stand?"
A deaf man says, "You can see?"
A mute person says, "You can hear?"
The disabled man says, "You can talk!"
Doctor: "What the actual f**k"
Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.
Husband: I look fat, can someone compliment me?
Wife: You have good eyesight.
My sister: See you at home in about an hour.
Me: Okay.
My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*
Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?
Sister: OMG, she's dead!
Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?
I bet you $12345678901234567890 that you didn't read that number and you didn't notice that I put a letter in it. No, I didn't, but you went back and looked, didn't you?
People judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a massacre out loud.
What is it about a beard and glasses that children find so sexy?