Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.
As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
What is a blind person's favorite color?
Black.
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
A disabled man stands up.
A blind man says, "You can stand?"
A deaf man says, "You can see?"
A mute person says, "You can hear?"
The disabled man says, "You can talk!"
Doctor: "What the actual f**k"
Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.
Husband: I look fat, can someone compliment me?
Wife: You have good eyesight.
My sister: See you at home in about an hour.
Me: Okay.
My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*
Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?
Sister: OMG, she's dead!
Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?
I bet you $12345678901234567890 that you didn't read that number and you didn't notice that I put a letter in it. No, I didn't, but you went back and looked, didn't you?
People judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a massacre out loud.
What is it about a beard and glasses that children find so sexy?
"I was walking in the yard yesterday and a bug stepped on me. Why, you ask? Because the bug didn't know I was there."
Is it just me, or is it normal to you when people scream?
What does a person that’s high and Helen Keller have in common?
Both stare off into space.
I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed my friend who was on LSD. "I See a Dreamer."
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish stand?
"Hello Ladies!"
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?
“Good evening, ladies.”
