Perception jokes
"Come on, take the camera!"
"Isn't it clear?"
"Well, look!"
Q: Why are flat-earthers seen so many these days? A: Because one girl wore an earth-printed shirt.
When a midget smokes weed, does it get medium?
Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.
How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’
A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"
His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."
So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"
She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"
The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"
"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.
The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.
"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."
I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.
What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.
Q. What do Canadian women and Canadian beer have in common? A. They're both stronger than they look.
If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?
Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.
Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.
Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.
How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?
When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
How do you know a woman is blind?
Because she can’t see the kitchen or the laundry.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.
Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
Just 'cause I have a big penis doesn't mean I can't have sex.