People jokes

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Why does Mexico not have a good athletics team? Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.

Where do people with no legs go to have fun?

Legnoland.

Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.

People in plays say that everyone's life is a drama, but mine's a tragedy.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

Why don’t cannibal kids eat people with Down Syndrome? Because kids don’t like vegetables.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Why can't Chinese people play baseball? Because they ate the bat.

Why do people love dating orphans?

Because they're always home alone.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.

what does an orphanage and a hospital have in common?

people go there to fix their mistakes.