People jokes

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Where do people with no legs go to have fun?

Legnoland.

Why does Mexico not have a good athletics team? Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.

Why don’t cannibal kids eat people with Down Syndrome? Because kids don’t like vegetables.

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Why can't Chinese people play baseball? Because they ate the bat.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

Why do people love dating orphans?

Because they're always home alone.

The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.