New Payment Jokes

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

This is 15 first-year treating a swan.

Students return: "Without payment?"

The word "I die with many important problems."

Later, you answer this point: "DSD, rats?"

How does a rapper pay for his groceries?

With a SICK FLOW of cash!

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?

They hate it when you hand it to them.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.

Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).

Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.

Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.

I tried to adopt an orphan. The card got declined harder than the child did.

Azibo works 10 hours a day in the sun and is paid 1 euro an hour. Thanks to a fundraiser we will be able to raise the necessary funds to buy a whip to make him work twice as much.

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.

What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.

What did the hooker say when she found out the cash she was paid with for services rendered was counterfeit?

I've been raped!

Why are orphans banned from the shop?

No adult to pay for them.

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.