Open jokes
Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.
When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”
1, 2 buckle my shoe.
3, 4 buckle some more.
5, 6 Nike kicks.
1, 2 buckle my shoe.
3, 4 open the door.
5, 6 Nike kicks.
"Alexa, open Kahoot!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jesus.
Jesus who?
Jesus Christ, open the door!
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
Step on your small sister's foot, she will always open her mouth like a dustbin.
Yo mama so fat that if we cut her open, we could stop world hunger.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toed.
I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.
A kid is trick-or-treating. He knocks on a door. Then someone opens the door and the kid said, "HI, I'M THE WICKED WIENER!"
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
Me: I saw your parents yesterday.
Orphan girl: Where?
Me: The coffin was still open.
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Me: Opens the window to get some fresh air.
Everyone else on the plane: 😟...😱
It isn't a real charity until India opens call centers, like they did with Africa.