Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
One Jokes
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."
An apple and an emo kid fell from a tree, which one hit the ground?
The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.
No one will fight me, who is brave and strong enough to beat this beta simp femboy?
The best part about having autism is being able to make jokes about genociding autistic people and no one can say a damn thing.
Why do emos hang themselves? Because no one wants to hang around them.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel had wine and cheese while your loved ones died in the ICU.
Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.
Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?
Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!
It's weird being an autistic eugenicist.
On one hand I want pussy and on the other hand I don't wanna pollute the white race with my genetic filth.
What did Jay Z say when he got pulled over?
"I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one!"
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?
I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.
What can't play home in baseball? They don't have one.
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.
Name one person who would take an orphan?
Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.
Why can orphans get away with robbing the bank?
Because no one wants him.
