Occupation jokes
You wanna hear a construction joke?
I'm still workin' on it!
Why did the man cut down the tree? Because it was there. 👨🪚🌲
Why didn't the man cut down the tree? Because it wasn't there. 😕🪚⁉️
Why did the tree cut down the man? Because it was a bad tree. 🌲🪚😮
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The Grim Sweeper.
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was out-standing.
What is the biggest fear of firefighters?
Burnout at work.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A jolly rancher.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
What did the bulldozer say to the house?
"I wanna bulldoze houses!"
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
Pokemon: What do you call a killer that uses psycho powers?
Mr. Mime!
What do you call a Pokémon that wants to be a police officer?
Magic-cop!
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,
It's great being a sniper.
Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the stage at the performance?
She was standing way too close to the dancers.
Why do pirates pirate? Because they "Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!" Hahahahahahahahaha!
There's a blind hooker in town.
She never sees anyone coming.
What do you call an Indian gravedigger?
Digdeep.
I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this – a joke?”