Now jokes

Ad

Eye

    • A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

    Ad
    Now memes

    Funeral

    • I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

    And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

    And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

  • 1
    • Ad

    Incest

    • Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

    Me: But Billy's with her right now.

    Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

    Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

  • 0
    • Ad

    Condom

    • The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

    So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

    Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

    Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

    Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

    Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

    The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

  • 1

    • Name

    • Teacher: "What's your name?"

    Student: "Hang on a second."

    10 seconds later:

    Teacher: "Is something wrong?"

    Student: "Hang on a second!"

    20 seconds later:

    Teacher: "Don't say a word!!!"

    Student: "Hang on a second!!!"

    Teacher: "Come here and tell me your name right now!!!"

    Student: "Hang on a second!"

    Teacher: "Don't call for help!!!"

    Student: "Just listen to me!"

    Teacher: "Go on, speak!"

    Student: "Hang on a second!"

    Teacher: "Don't push my patience; this is no joke!!! Tell me your name right now!"

    Student: "Hang on a second!!!"

  • 0
    • Ad

    Pedophile

    • Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

    Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

    Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

  • 0

    • Flight

    • I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

    At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

    Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

  • 2
    • Ad

    Cat

    • READ THIS OUT LOUD:

    This is this cat.

    This is cat.

    This is how cat.

    This is to cat.

    This is keep cat.

    This is an cat.

    This is idiot cat.

    This is a busy cat.

    This is for cat.

    This is forty cat.

    this is seconds cat.

    NOW- go back and read the third word from each line from the start.

  • 8
    • Ad

    Michael Jackson

    • Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

  • 1