Now jokes

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

Nobody really liked our fireplace.

So I turned it into a brick pizza oven. Idk why, but now everyone likes our fireplace.

We are close to beating the world record of comments on this website (171). Right now, there are 155, so put more comments!

A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”

Wife: “ok... what is it?”

Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”

Millions of people are doing the exact same thing as you are right now.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There were two when we were kids, but now it’s a touchy subject.

A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

Hello, I am School Shooter Memes. For the last month I made School Shooter Jokes on the site, so now I want you guys to vote for the best one. It will be in a quarterfinal format with the 8 of them being the most liked. I will link all of the polls in the comments so make sure to vote for your favourite joke.

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Spell IHOP, now say 'ness' at the end... 😂 ...I ate your penis!

Now touring: Stephen Hawking unplugged.

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.