Now jokes

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

One day I threw a boomerang...

Now I live in constant fear.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, now it’s a sensitive subject.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

Nobody really liked our fireplace.

So I turned it into a brick pizza oven. Idk why, but now everyone likes our fireplace.

A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.

Ok guys, I have one last joke (for now).

What do you call it when Panera is over?

Panera end.

We are close to beating the world record of comments on this website (171). Right now, there are 155, so put more comments!

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.

The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

Hello, I am School Shooter Memes. For the last month I made School Shooter Jokes on the site, so now I want you guys to vote for the best one. It will be in a quarterfinal format with the 8 of them being the most liked. I will link all of the polls in the comments so make sure to vote for your favourite joke.

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Spell IHOP, now say 'ness' at the end... 😂 ...I ate your penis!

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Now touring: Stephen Hawking unplugged.

Wood fired pizza?

How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O

Please drop a like.

My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.