Now jokes

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

Wood fired pizza?

How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O

Please drop a like.

Skidaddle skidoodle, your dick is now a noodle!

EatDatPussy445, aka Deyione Scott-Wilson Eason, aka Bryant Turman Emerson Moreland, is a pedophile, and he is in Las Vegas right now. Go, go, go, catch him!

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive subject.

"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."

"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.

Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone.

He is now playing the whore-monica.

Ok guys, I have one last joke (for now).

What do you call it when Panera is over?

Panera end.

Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."

Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"

What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?

They both have torn rotators.

I was making love to this girl, and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

Bro, Kobe Bryant is singing with the basketball team in his helicopter, celebrating right now, I bet.

Oh wait, I forgot.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, now it’s a sensitive subject.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)