Nothing jokes
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
What's the difference between milk and my dad?
Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.
I know Marie Antoinette jokes aren't funny, but they're nothing to lose your head over.
I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
You look good with anything, but nothing works too.
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
What's more stupid than rapper and booty jokes?
NOTHING!
I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.
BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
Daveon...
Daveon is so straight, he thinks a straight line is the shortest distance between two points and nothing else.
What's the difference between a rapist's mouth and a sewer?
Nothing, they both spout shit.