I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
You look good with anything, but nothing works too.
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
What's more stupid than rapper and booty jokes?
NOTHING!
I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.
BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
Daveon...
Daveon is so straight, he thinks a straight line is the shortest distance between two points and nothing else.
What's the difference between a rapist's mouth and a sewer?
Nothing, they both spout shit.
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.
The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.
What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?
Nothing they both use the force to get what they want.
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
