Not jokes

Hi, I did not get your walk.

A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"

Why are fish not sleeping? 'Cause the bed is wet.

A lady comes into the boys' bathroom and a boy sees her.

"This is not a girls' bathroom," he says.

She answers, "I don’t care," she says, "I NEED TO PEE!"

What always roars, but cannot talk? What always moves, but cannot walk?

A waterfall.

Yo mama so fat, she stand on the scale and the scale says: "I want your weight, not your phone number!"

"That's not my age; it's just not true.

My heart is young; the time just flew.

I'm staring at this strange old face, and someone else is in my space."

Sally jumped out a plane, she forgot her parachute!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally...

How did she die?

A bomb came down whilst falling through the sky.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A bomb.

I told you ten puns to make you laugh, and I do not pun in-ten-did.

A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.

You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?

Other: What's snoo?

You: Not much, how 'bout you?

Why was one afraid of every number in the world?

Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.

I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.

Her pants were on fire.

What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?

Not getting the job at McDonald’s.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”

What does a crooked lawyer who is not on the ACLU payroll have in common with a crooked politician who has an office in Washington, DC?

They both sign their names using a blue pen 🖊 🖊.

Why should you put an autistic person in a refrigerator?

Because otherwise you’ll get a rotten vegetable.

(Not meant to be triggering).

Jack and Jill went up the hill so they can fetch some pee. Jack fell down and broke his whole body. Jill just laughed and didn’t care, so now they have a daughter.

Listen, Man United might not thank me but get the contract out, put it on the table. Let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done since he's come in. Ole's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are BACK.