Not jokes
It's weird how Stephen Hawking's last name sounds like "walking and talking," but he could not do either of those!
Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.
Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.
Guy #2: Why, what is it?
Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.
Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...
Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!
My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.
Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?
Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.
What do you call an Indian person who is not starving? Dead.
If you have sex and your African parents find out,
“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."
What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
This is not a joke. Stop online dating.
What's the difference between Elton John and rapboat?
Elton is talented, rich, and openly gay. Rapboat got fuck all talent, no money, and is not out of the closet yet.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
What did the racist Catholic priest say?
"Martin Luther? Not my king!"
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
You will never see a redneck opposing a war.
He will instead say, "Wait, I get to kill people and it's not illegal? And they're foreigners?"
It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.
It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.
Yo mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter!
Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.
What animal can not be trusted?
A lion 🦁.
Good day today, love you. Walk in love day and a walk home night. Night, night. I did not get snow. I love it is the day that we get a tree. I have to go get some sleep. Was good day at school today, but I’m going to be...