Not jokes

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

Stephen Hawking walking, oops, he does not do that anymore.

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

You will never see a redneck opposing a war.

He will instead say, "Wait, I get to kill people and it's not illegal? And they're foreigners?"

It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.

It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.

What's the difference between Elton John and rapboat?

Elton is talented, rich, and openly gay. Rapboat got fuck all talent, no money, and is not out of the closet yet.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

This is not a joke. Stop online dating.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You make me pee like I drink tea, you make me go buzz, like becoming a fuzz.

It sticks in, but it goes to the bin, after its use, it will be reused, no it is not what your thinking its -~-(clay)-~-

What did the racist Catholic priest say?

"Martin Luther? Not my king!"

Yo mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter!

A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.

Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"

Yo mama is so ugly that not even goldfish smile back at her.

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

Why did the knight cross the road?

He can't because his armor was too heavy.

Why does an orphan always get the newest iPhone?

Because so he does not have a home button.

This isn't a joke, I repeat, this is not a joke. The plane in Lake Harriet is not in the lake. It is invisible because of the satellite pic, so there's no plane in Lake Harriet.