Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.
Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.
That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )
What's the difference between a criminal and an orphan?
One is wanted and one's not.
Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.
Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.
Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?
Kids: Yeah!
Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!
Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.
*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*
Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”
When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat.
I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.
Why did Sally drop a broom? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.
Why did Sally go swimming? She didn't like not having arms.
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not Sally, she hasn't come back yet.
Pro lifers: End abortion!!!
Pro lifers after school shooting: But not this abortion.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.
WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.
Why can orphans not play bingo?
Because they can't get a full house.
My parents created a joke 11 years ago and people are still laughing at it, but I know it's not me because jokes have meaning.
If Republicans really wanted to enact pro-life legislation, they would ban guns, not abortion.
Yo mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter!
The towers collapsed on 9/10, not 9/11.
What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?
"Billie Jean is not my lover!"
What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."
The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.
And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"
There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.
Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.
