Not jokes
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
Why could the blind man not see?
Answer: Because he is blind.
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moooooooooooo, not whooooooooooooooooooooo!
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?
Because he didn't want to see the bill.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Tyler M is not to be sitting in the chair he is right now.
Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.
You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.
I knocked on Stephen Hawking's door, but nobody answered...
All I got was "error 404 page not found."
Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?
Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Stephen Hawking.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.