Not jokes

My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.

What's black and at the top of a staircase?

Not Stephen Hawking.

Stephen was a great person, and he will be greatly missed, but I enjoy these jokes too much to not stop.

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.

It's weird how Stephen Hawking's last name sounds like "walking and talking," but he could not do either of those!

If Stephen Hawking got into a fight, he could not stand up for himself.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Not Stephen Hawking."

For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.

He's not dead, his batteries have run out.

He's not really dead, his update failed.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"

Why can’t Sally hang herself?

She does not have arms.

What do you get when you mix an apple with water... applesauce. Wait, do not leave yet. If you are still reading this, you have been rekt, ha ha. At least I am still laughing.

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.

A man (Ameenya Sheed) texts another man (Bob) and said,

"Hi, I'm Ameenya Sheed."

Bob: "You're not in my shed because I don't have one, but I have a garage. I don't think you're in there."

So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.

Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.