Not jokes
Q: What do you call a boomerang that is not coming back? A: A stick.
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't worry, I will be there too, not in the cage but laughing at you.
"Ur Grandma" You think you're funny? Well, sorry, but you're not.
A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"
What do Hiroshima and Herobrine have in common?
They're not heroes.
What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?
Call 911.
I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.
Me: They're certainly not wrong.
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.
Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?
Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
I'm not fat!!
I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.
There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.
Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.
Dad: What did you learn in school today?
Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.
So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."