News jokes
Why did Hitler kill himself? He knew the war was over at the beginning.
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
(The lobby of the Hazbin Hotel. Everyone is gathered for an emergency meeting.)
CHARLIE: Okay, everyone, listen up! There's a new group of souls coming in who passed away in a school shooting! We have to be sensitive!
VAGGIE: (Scoffs) Good luck with that.
ANGEL: (Waving a hand nonchalantly) No problem, Charlie! I’m great with kids who have issues. My advice to them would be, “Don't be in school.”
(A beat of stunned silence falls over the room. Everyone just stares at him.)
ANGEL: (He blinks, looking genuinely confused at the silence.) Wait.
(Alastor lets out a loud, static-filled laugh.)
HUSK: (Deadpan, taking a huge drink) Too soon, Angel. Too soon.
Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.
Student: My name is Buttitches.
Teacher: Please tell us your real name.
Student: Buttitches.
Teacher: I’m calling the police.
Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.
Student: Buttitches.
Police: *shoots gun.*
A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."
Memes
Tried a random comic generator. Half of the ai generated comics don’t make sense, but the other half…
So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.
Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.
[God creating Asians] “Alright, and the design is finished, see our new model, the Asian. It has no hair at all.”
Angel asks, “Does it eat normal food?”
God replies, “(chuckling) Oh no, not at all.”
Who is the new heterosexual Michael Joseph Jackson (pedophile)?
R. Kelly.
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get the Chinese Daily!
Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!
Did you hear about the new Chinese food?
It is called: “Wuhan Fried Bats”!
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
BREAKING NEWS
All the desert regions in the world are now considered lush rainforests. They house many different species of life and have significantly helped with the constant carbon dioxide emissions.
The reason why is because... Your texts are so dry.
Why did the rapper become a pilot?
Because he wanted to take his flow to new heights!
Why was the ant so smart? Because it always knew the answer.
What do you say to an emo with a new haircut?
"Nice cut, G."
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
The 🦅 asked the female eagle, "What did you eat?"
"I ate New York hot dogs."
What is the main group of teens in West Side Story?
New York Jets.