News jokes

[God creating Asians] “Alright, and the design is finished, see our new model, the Asian. It has no hair at all.”

Angel asks, “Does it eat normal food?”

God replies, “(chuckling) Oh no, not at all.”

Who is the new heterosexual Michael Joseph Jackson (pedophile)?

R. Kelly.

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get the Chinese Daily!

Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!

Did you hear about the new Chinese food?

It is called: “Wuhan Fried Bats”!

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

Why was the ant so smart? Because it always knew the answer.

What do you say to an emo with a new haircut?

"Nice cut, G."

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

The 🦅 asked the female eagle, "What did you eat?"

"I ate New York hot dogs."

What is the main group of teens in West Side Story?

New York Jets.

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

There was a new kid in my school. The first thing the teacher said was, "Me, you, the basement NOW!"

What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.

Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends, the holder of the nation's purse, Fishi Rucksack, will launch a new initiative.

This will be to help the struggling "personal services" industry and will be labelled, "Sleep out to Help out."

Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.

You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?

Other: What's snoo?

You: Not much, how 'bout you?

What time do you have when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

BREAKING NEWS

All the desert regions in the world are now considered lush rainforests. They house many different species of life and have significantly helped with the constant carbon dioxide emissions.

The reason why is because... Your texts are so dry.