News Jokes

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

There was a news the other where a magician disappeared. He was like"at the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Des,and he disappeared without a trace.

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world? Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get the Chinese Daily! Get it? I don't either- I get the New York Times!

my blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike he should have been paying attention

Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends the holder of the nations purse, Fishi Rucksack will launch a new initiative. This will be to help the struggling 'personal services' industry, and will be labelled, 'Sleep out to Help out.'

I bought a new shot gun the other day want to know what I called it? Kurt Cobain's microphone.

What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.

BREAKING NEWS

All the desert regions in the world are now considered lush rainforests. They house many different species of life and have significantly helped with the constant carbon dioxide emissions.

The reason why is because... Your texts are so dry.

Why was the ant so smart? Because it always new the ant er

y do people name a kid rob because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in there basement for a late night toy

Sad news, my obese parrot died today. Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

what is the the main group of teens in a west side story? New York jets

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink due to my dying first. He said “big games my friend”. He then proceeded to teach us “The greater the Big games the higher the Bottling

There was a new kid in my school the first thing the teacher said was me u the basement NOW

The 🦅 asked the female eagle what did you eat l ate NEW York hot dogs

You: Did you get the new snoo subscription? Other: Whats snoo? You: Not much how 'bout you?

Why did the rapper become a pilot?

Because he wanted to take his flow to NEW HEIGHTS

Dad\mom:Son,your adopted .son:i know,.*holds up daddys phone that has the text of them talking about it.* dad:babe,we need to talk. mom:ok...... dad:hes grounded. mom:your right,your grounded! oh and im dumping you. son:am i getting a new daddy? mom:soon honey,soon.... dad:i really shouldnt have let her know i cheating