Newness jokes
I have a new joke.
My life. Wait... jokes are supposed to have meaning.
Trump got a new jet.
He's probably already licked the windows.
Jesse: Do you like my ball?
Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?
Jesse: No, they do not leave me.
I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.
My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.
So I brought her a new bathroom scale.
Why do many New Yorkers like watching Spider-Man?
Because he’s always on the webcast.
Why was the new gamer mad when they were playing Overwatch? Because gamer girl WAS ALREADY TRACER.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!
A kindergarten teacher is chatting with little John. The teacher asks John, "John, can you get me some pencils?" John replies, "Sure, I'll do it!" and accidentally knocks over a vase.
The teacher says, "Oh, John!"
John asks, "What does that mean?" The teacher replies, "It's kind of a synonym for 'You loser!'"
What is the similarity between an orphan and the new Spider-Man movie, "There's No Way Home"?
I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
Heard about the new event in Africa? Called the Hunger Games.
What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?
Dairy free.
A pair of Newfies decide to visit Toronto. They drive through Nova Scotia, through New Brunswick, through Montréal, Kingston, Oshawa... then they see a sign that says "Toronto Left", so they turn back around and go home.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
Idaho... Alaska!
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.