My jokes

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.