My jokes

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.