My jokes

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.