My jokes

A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.

"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.

"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"

"Good, but where's the p?"

"Running down my leg."

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."