My jokes

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.