My jokes

Depression

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

Name

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

Cheese grater

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Brain

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

Memes

Grandma

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

Brother

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

Life Support

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Heart

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

Son

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Dad

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

Video Game

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Girlfriend

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Prank

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Weakness

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Abortion

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....