My jokes

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"