My jokes

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.