My jokes

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."