My jokes

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

Things to kids:

Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."

A Good Parent: "My baby!"

Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.