My jokes
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."
My dad said I need to eat more. I don't know why, but his fat ass needs to stop eating.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.
My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."
People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.
Ok, so my brother made this, here it is:
Knock knock. Who's there? Chicken. Chicken who? Chicken garbage!
Ok I know it makes no sense, but he made it when he was like 3.
Does anyone have an Xbox One? My gamertag is Chalkyfrog11. Add me and comment on this post telling me your gamertag.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
What did the rapper say to the computer?
“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”
What's the difference between a Ferrari and 100 dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?
You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)
My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."
What did a Jedi say to Darth Vader? "You're not my father, I am yours!"
What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?
"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"
Why did my foot cross the road?
Because your ass was on the other side.