My Jokes

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.