My jokes

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

I bought a book for my blind friend.

Scientists say I'm made up of 75% of water.

But after jumping in the ocean, it's 100%, just like my depression.

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.