My jokes

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

There were 1 mom and 3 kids. The first kid comes up and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second kid asks their mom, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head." Then the third kid yells, "Ahjoejienfkef." The mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

what do you call a baby in an oven?

my next meal.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Scientists say I'm made up of 75% of water.

But after jumping in the ocean, it's 100%, just like my depression.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I bought a book for my blind friend.