My jokes

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"