My jokes

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.