My jokes

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?