My Jokes

In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?

My dick.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

help pls find my dawg

A flyer with the text "I lost my bitchass dog again. He's ugly as fuck and keeps running away but I still love him, plus I already bought him shit and I don't wanna return the stuff. Please bring him back, his name is Señor Woofers. He probably won't respond to it cus he's a fake lil bitch though. Please contact me at 661-440-5950 or booteyeater6969@gmail.com. Reward: $5ish maybe." Below the text is a picture of a small dog with a brown wig.

A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.

"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.

"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"

"Good, but where's the p?"

"Running down my leg."

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it's not 53, 'cause my basement's still dark.

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"