My jokes

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."