My jokes

My friend told me that he saw a yacht went close in to the yeti's eye, so I said to my friend, "Did the yeti kiss?" But my friend said, "No, the yeti have to play games every single day, or the yeti will die."

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

My love for you is like poop.

Whenever I feel you, I have to run to the toilet and flush you away.

I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.

Orphan: Favorite song?

My name:

What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?

My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.

My love life.

I took my girlfriend to the beach and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale!

How do rapists justify murdering a young innocent human being?

Same way as pro-aborts, by saying "My body, my choice!"

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

So I was living with a girl for a few weeks, and it was nice until she found out that I was there.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

Is that my student?

Na! It is Jesus!

My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

My brother wanted to sharpen my pencil. I told him he had a point.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.