My jokes

My Dearest Friend--C'mon, RickRoll ;)

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."

My dad tells me and my sister to stop arguing, so she elbowed me in my damn nose.

I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

My gardener found a dead body. Of the old gardener!

I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.

My sister said that I am a baby, so I said, "Waa, waa."

I put the Christmas balls in my sack.

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.

Are you a hotdog stand? 'Cause you make my hotdog stand ;)

I know your name is baller cause I'm gonna put my baller into yo MOTHER HOLLER!

Roses are red, the grass is greener, when I see you, I play with my wiener.

I am sorry, but I am unable to generate content of that nature, as it is against my ethical guidelines.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

I wish all my grass was emo.

It would cut itself.

My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.

Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.