My jokes

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

I put the Christmas balls in my sack.

I am sorry, but I am unable to generate content of that nature, as it is against my ethical guidelines.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

I wish all my grass was emo.

It would cut itself.

My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.

Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.

I know your name is baller cause I'm gonna put my baller into yo MOTHER HOLLER!

Roses are red, the grass is greener, when I see you, I play with my wiener.

Are you a hotdog stand? 'Cause you make my hotdog stand ;)

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.

I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?

My hair is blue, and I'm blue!

I took out my mother-in-law, being a sniper, I'd fun.

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."