My jokes
Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?
Palpatine: Stew it.
I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about sodium, and they said, "Na."
What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"
He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"
My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.
I was born on the moon.
Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.
I'm running out of degrees? I guess I better throw myself in fire to raise my internal temperature (measured in degrees).
What's wrong with my friend?
He's called Dobby Coleman and has a massive jaw.
What do you call my dick?
A. A monster.
I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.
I was at my drumming lesson and I accidentally dropped my drum stick when my sister made a terrible joke.
KA-DOOM-CHA!
Nah, bruh, my hairline straighter than a gay person's.
Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏
I lost my job at the bank today. A lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My son and I went on a tour to the Old Trafford Stadium. We were admiring the 76,000 seat arena when he suddenly pointed at the pitch.
“Dad, who is that man camping there?” I said, “Son, that is Bruno Penandes. He lives in that Penalty box. He only performs in small games.”
An orphan goes to a family restaurant with her doll.
"I'm sorry but you can't be here," said the man. "This is a family restaurant." The orphan said, "This is my family," then pointed to her doll.
My name is Myria, my right nut.
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.
What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?
My ex-wife.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.