My jokes
I laughed at my life so hard.
A starving homeless kid asks me for food.
I said, "sorry, my plate is full."
I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.
His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."
Are you acid, cause I want to throw [you] at my face?
I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.
I remarked, "You lazy!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.
Pilot: This is my last flight, everyone.
Passengers: *Clap*
Pilot: I became a pilot for one reason: To conquer my greatest fear.
Flight Attendant: And what is that?
Pilot: Dying alone. *speeds up towards Twin Towers*
Also the Pilot: Now who is ready to play some Jen---
My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...
He fell from a tower.
There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.
She really hates it when I spit my food back out.
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
Who dislikes my freestyle?
Depression: Here, your mom just died.
Me: My mom is already dead.
I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!
I called my sister a party pooper after she came to my party uninvited.
Grampa said that the only ones who poop at parties are the ones who don't get invited.
So I guess that means I was the party pooper at my own birthday?
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.