My jokes

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Suck on my big fat ding dong, you idiot!

What does an orphan say a lot? "Where is my house?"

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.

Help! I got my brother pregnant.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

I know your name is baller cause I'm gonna put my baller into yo MOTHER HOLLER!

Roses are red, the grass is greener, when I see you, I play with my wiener.

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

I put the Christmas balls in my sack.

I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.

I wish all my grass was emo.

It would cut itself.

My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.

Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.