My jokes

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

Ooh! I know a joke!

(Papyrus) What is it?

(Sans) Knock knock!

(Papyrus) Uh... who's there?

(Sans) Sans

(Papyrus) Sans who?

(Sans) SANS IS LAZY!!!!! NOW PICK UP YOUR SOCKS BEFORE I SHOVE MY SPAGHETTI INTO YOUR MOUTH!

(Papyrus)

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK MY CLOTHES CAUGHT THE FLAME OH MY GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH!"

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

The other day, my best friend flipped off the table in class. I thought it was flipping amazing!

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.

There was a man in a tower, and the other man thought it was a girl, so he said, "Let down your long hair." He said, "OK, I will let my big, super long, hairy penis down for you to climb and suck." Then the other man said, "If you have such a long dick, suck it yourself. See ya, b*tch."

My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like your striped red and tan gloves." And she asked, "Where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "Oh, I made the red stripes myself."

Yo forehead is so freaking big, but not bigger than my BBC. 😏

A bully walks up to a kid named Billy to insult him and steal his lunch money.

Later that night when he is at home, the bully’s father comes into his room to insult him and take the lunch money he stole.

The father walks down stair to check on his father in the living room. When he walks in, his father insults him and takes the lunch money.

The grandfather of the bully walks into the back yard and in the dark is Billy. The grandfather walks up to him and says “Where’s my money, you worthless old fart?”

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."