My jokes

I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!

I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

Fortnite battle pass, I just shit out my ass. The school: You did what?

You wonder where my dad is.

Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!

Why can't my grandma talk?

Because she's dead.

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.

Your hairline had to "Fahrt" cuz my ass IS your hairline.

"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."

What's a native chick say after sex?

"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

My Dearest Friend--C'mon, RickRoll ;)

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."