My jokes
Why was I angry on my plane? Because I read these stupid 9/11 jokes.
My friend: Yo stupid.
Me: Is that right, and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?
My friend: *rolls eyes and says whatever.*
Me: Keep on rolling them, you might find your brain in there.
My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.
Errrrrrrrrr my spine doesn't work.
Eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.
Memes
Never talk about 9/11 to me. I lost my dad in it.
He was a great pilot ;(
Jesse: Do you like my ball?
Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?
Jesse: No, they do not leave me.
I'm sorry my jokes are so bad.
You: You are such a flick pain.
Me: You are flick pain to my sight.
What do my cock and money have in common?
Your mom.
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”
"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."
I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.
What's a native chick say after sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.
I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!
I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.
Why'd my grandpa fall over?
'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!