My jokes

Your hairline jokes are so bad that they make me want to rip all my hair out.

My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.

My dad went to go get milk.

My little sister that is 10 is so ugly her hairline can't even be found by Dora the Explorer.

Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!

Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"

The rain is my tears.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

I would curse at you, but my country praises cows.

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

One time my receipt broke before I even got to my truck.

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

I lost my job at the bank today. A lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I woke up when I heard a strange noise coming from my kitchen.

I turned on the light, and I saw none other than the exposed flop GHOSTNALDO. He asked me if I had PenalTEA, his favorite drink. I said no and yelled, "There is a big game tomorrow!" and he disappeared.

My son and I went on a tour to the Old Trafford Stadium. We were admiring the 76,000 seat arena when he suddenly pointed at the pitch.

“Dad, who is that man camping there?” I said, “Son, that is Bruno Penandes. He lives in that Penalty box. He only performs in small games.”

My sister said that if you go to a random person's door, the sister will all Waze open it.

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

Kile: Hey, asshole! I bet you listen to trash 50 Cent! How about you get to quarters, listen to him! My favorite rapper is the best of all! How about you go eat a cracker, you parrot nose, fuck!

Remy: I'm... y-y... YOUR DUMBER THAN ANT! I BET YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER IS A CANDY RAPPER!!

My name has "anus" in it.

I tried to dress hot so my boyfriend would cast some attention upon me, but it just made him sweat.