My jokes

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

Would it be wrong of me to yell “Jenga!” or “Timber!” while my class is watching a 9/11 documentary?

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

Yo, hairline is as accurate as my jump shot.

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.

What is your name?

My ankle is named Samantha.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Monkey: What ya doing?

Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."

Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

I got up one day; my neighbor was in my house and was going to take me and my mom out. I showed my mom and my neighbor a trick. They both liked it. I asked my neighbor, "Do you know any tricks?" He said, "Yes, in matter of fact, I could tell you what your mom had for breakfast." I said, "How?" Well, my neighbor licked my mom's ass and ate her pussy out in front of me. He told me my mom had pancakes. So we were in the car; I asked my neighbor, "How did you know what my mom had pancakes for breakfast?" My neighbor said, "Well, that is what your mom made me while we were waiting for you to get up."

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.

I went home one day, and three guys—a Spanish guy, a Chinese guy, and a white guy—told me, "You should be proud of your sister. She won a trophy about knowing her flavor of meats." Then my sister told me that I was blindfolded, and she gave all of them a blowjob, and I had to guess which flavor that I was sucking on. I was right all the time, and they gave me a trophy. The Trophy says "Blowjobs of the Flavors." As a brother, I couldn't be prouder.

The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.

My sister said she was as fat as a coconut, so I threw one at her and she was right.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Person: Sure.

Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.

Person: Dear God...