My jokes

Superman has been called to a huge house fire.

Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"

Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"

Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?

Palpatine: Stew it.

My happiness.

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

My dick is like the way home for an orphan, its length is never-ending.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage...

Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.

I was born on the moon.

Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.

My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.

I'm running out of degrees? I guess I better throw myself in fire to raise my internal temperature (measured in degrees).

I was at my drumming lesson and I accidentally dropped my drum stick when my sister made a terrible joke.

KA-DOOM-CHA!

What do you call my dick?

A. A monster.

You're an apple. Now suck my dick!

What's wrong with my friend?

He's called Dobby Coleman and has a massive jaw.

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.

Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.

Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.

My friend: How?

Justin: Justin!