My jokes

My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

Wanna hear a good joke?

My dad’s love for me.

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.