My jokes

The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.

I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...