My Jokes

*My mom trying to get me to do dishes*

Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes.

Me: Why did you?

Mom: I was very drunk...

Explains a lot...

when you frend ask why dont you smile then you look at them and then rels no one there becase you have no frinds #my life

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous",

I'm dying to live forever !

My dad died the other day but, i was able to hear his last words"son are you still holding the ladder"

my dog is pregnant i’m a be a ... i don’t know?

oohh a owner

Rose are red, violets are blue, there are kid in my basement, you'll be there soon

What did me an my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say forgive and forget. They are really obedient.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. My first time in the air, my instructor informed me but he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane, and his buddy says "well did you jump?"the guy says yeah, a little at first.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? hey get out of my sun!

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said why did you call me a female

My friend and I were walking down the street and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by 3 other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help.

He had no chance against the 5 of us.

So my dad said to me and my sister don't fight but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

me. mom would you get mad at me for something i didn't do. mom. no. me ok good i didn't do my homework

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store just to take me with him and scan my wrist.