My jokes

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

Girl, are you a public school? Because I want to shoot my kids inside you.

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

Am I doing my work? Because typing this took lots of work.

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

The average person in 2023 is less straight than the lines my 5th-grade P.E. teacher walked in college.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

Mom: Son, did you go to school?

Son: What if I said yes?

Mom: You are in school! *slap*

Son: Mom, I am moving out and I am moving in with my girlfriend.

Mom: You are with...? Please don't move out =(

Son: Mom, stop! So what if I am moving out? I am moving into my girlfriend's home. It's only for school.

Mom: Well, you are kicked out of my home!

Son: Good.

Mom: I am sad now. Why did he move out?

If you like it, please commit down.

I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏

Why was Sonic fast?

To be rolling around at the speed of sound, got places to go, gotta follow my lead.

When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"

One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."