My jokes

Stranger: Do you need hair regrowth products?

Kid: No, my hairline is just far back.

Stranger: Do you need a doctor?

So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!

Stop making jokes about 9/11, my dad died in 9/11.

BEST PILOT OF SOUTHERN ARABIA

ALAKBAR

A gingerbread man walks into the doctor’s office with a broken arm. He asks the doctor, “Doc, what should I do? My arm is broken!”

The doctor then looks at him and says, “Have you tried icing?”

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

I wish the grass in my yard was emo. It could just cut itself.

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

My father always used to say:

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

Until the accident.

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”

"Sigma" - By every boy in my class.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so they can fetch some pee. Jack fell down and broke his whole body. Jill just laughed and didn’t care, so now they have a daughter.

I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.

My childhood tormentor was at school. I walked through so I could get to class.

And then he said, "Hey, you donkey!"

I said, "Thank you, I'm so happy that I'm something, not nothing like you!" And I gave him a pink lollipop. He walked off. And I became popular. Or should I say, Lolli-Popular? Sorry.

Here is a story, my best friend was Chinese, his name was Chong-king. I took him to a restaurant one day and he said, "I am Chong-king." I said I know your name is Chong-king, within a few minutes he just randomly died making weird noises and turning blue by every second.

Anyone know what happened?

I went to an interview and my future boss said, "Hi, my name is Watt Niseto, meet you."

Then said, "WHAT IS UR NAME?" He then said,

"What is not my name, Watt is." So I replied, "Ugh fine, I guess I'll call you Wha." Then he said, "Wha I not my name."

And then I said, "Ugh fine, my name is Will Knott." He then replied, "Hi Will Not."

My arse hole hurts like no joke, man. I just had to tell that your heads a peanut, you fucking nonce, kid, you fat fuck sack, your mum you dirty cow!

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I care when my computer crashes.

My chance of finding love.