My jokes

Jerry: My dad got into a fight on a plane.

Jeremy: That's just *plane* crazy!

The bright side of this pandemic is now both my hands look equally chapped and raw.

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

What did the substrate say to the active site?

"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."

Hi, my name's Dixy.

Dixy Normis.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

My father can take a joke because he made one.

"There are 20 letters in the alphabet, correct?"

"No, it's 26."

"Oh, I forgot, you are a cutie."

"You're missing one more."

"I'll give you the D later."

"....come to my office at 1pm ASAP."

I remember my grandfather's last words:

"Are you holding the ladder?"

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

What's the difference between my father and acne?

Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.

My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favorite teacher.

One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas.

The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas?"

Johnny replied, "Sorry, miss, my rabbit died."

My Grandma, like any other, got an APPLE IPHONE 12, but as we all know, we get dumb, and so we buy a phone. My grandma did not even know how to use it. She even said, "How do I go on Google?" I told her, "YOU CAN'T!" My grandma was, like, "Yeah right, how do I do it?"

Comment down below, does your grandma do this?

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Hello, are you there?

Yes, who are you?

My name is Watt.

What’s your name?

Watt’s my name.

Yes, what is your name?

My name is John Watt.

John What?

Yes, are you Jones?

No, I’m Knott.

Will you tell me your name?

Will Knott.

Why not?

My name is Knott.

Not what?

Not Watt, Knott!

*hangs up*

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."