My jokes

My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA

Why do you need an AR-15?

So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.

I remember when I saw my dad's penis for the first time.

I said, "Dad, don't text me shit like that."

My sister looks like Santa Claus.

"You are so pretty?"

"No, too many people!"

My husband wants to tell me about my childhood.

Ok, I can't access the panel without the password.

Nechen has been writing articles for the class for years.

Then the Guru asked him, "If I die now, what will be on my grave?" Fritchen searched for the plastic bag and shouted, "This is a protective bag!!"

My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.

Me: "Hey, get my joke on that timeline."

Her: "No."

My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.