My jokes

Hello people, my name is Osama.

I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"

Me: Mrs., can I read my book?

Teacher: Sure.

Me: *watching my Chromebook*

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.

I had something about tripping over ice.

Well, it slipped my mind, so I'll just test some diamonds to see if they're ice.

My nuts hurt; if you pull them, I will scream.

My nuts tickle; scratch them, and I won’t like you no more.

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

Prince, please talk to me for real...

Let's sort this out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please, please answer me. I need an answer!!!!!!!!!!!! BTW, Princess, my name is Gwen, and I am not a faker!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

Can you be my daddy? 🍌😘😉

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

9 months before I was born,

I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?

I tried to hit G by putting D.