My jokes

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.

I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.

Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.

Hi Freshfry, hi Alex, I did not see your messages yesterday because I was at my brother's soccer game, and then people came to our house till 11:00. Lol, sorry :)

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.

Alex, you will never believe this!!!!!!!!!! Please respond as quick as possible! To my love, Alex!

Hello people, my name is Osama.

I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

My name is Devonair.

When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

I got to work.

Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.

Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.

Boss: Have a nice day.

Ben: Ok, bye!

Boss:??

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.