My jokes

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.

I was crying at school because my grandpa died. My friends asked what his last words were. I told them his last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

Your arms are open. They stretch towards me, Reaching, grabbing, pulling me, Surrounding me, Drowning me in my helplessness. Time standing still, inside here. Looking through windows, time passing by. Let me go, will ya?

If you make a joke about me, I'll tell my mom.

My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

Are you a marry, because you are my mother?

What do the Twin Towers and my ex have in common?

They both fell on my dad.

I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."

Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.

I hate family reunions. I see too many of my exes there.

Wanna know what an orphan's least favorite song is?

"More Than My Hometown."

For some reason, people make fun of my name because it rhymes with something that starts with an F.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.