My jokes

Suck my butts, queer.

I laughed at my life so hard.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

An orphan goes to a family restaurant with her doll.

"I'm sorry but you can't be here," said the man. "This is a family restaurant." The orphan said, "This is my family," then pointed to her doll.

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?

Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?

Asdf movie: meow meow I’m a cow.

Me to my villagers in Minecraft: chick chick my guns cocked so frick.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead because of you.

Actually, not because of you... because of your face.

Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?

I got these two people in my class we call them Twin Towers, so when I heard about it I threw a paper airplane at them.

Guys, I'm sorry about these bad puns. I should've kept my big Meowth shut.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.