My jokes

Want to hear a joke?

My life. Get it?

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Me and my life.

I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

Want to hear my pencil joke? Wait, I'm still writing it.

My dad is like a unicorn.

He's never here. :c

Everybody loves "appreciation." So that's what I named my dick.

Why do I f*** my mom?

Like father like son. #batabababa

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

I would tell you a story of my dad... If I knew who he was.

Sean's hairline recedes faster than my grades.