My jokes
My girlfriend's name is Candice.
Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D
My friend has a shovel made of gold. I guess you could call him a gold digger.
Your computer just went in my bathroom and took a shit because you put too much chili in the bowl.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
My uncle died on 9/11. Her last words were "Allahu Akbar."
Dude, people gotta stop letting 9/11 jokes fly around like bro, you're gonna make my brain explode!
Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?
My April Fool's joke is going to an orphanage and telling them their parents came back.
Hi, are you even my sister?
Yes, I am.
No, you're not, because you never even existed as my sister.
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆
My brother: What are you looking at?
Me: A mistake.
Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.
My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.
(Again, credits to my really funny friend)
My friend said, "Where is the trash?" I said, "Look in the mirror, there is the trash."
My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"
Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.
Suck my cheetah.
Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!
I killed my cat.
My dad was in 9/11, that's rude, and he was a great pilot.