My jokes

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.

You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.

My life.

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Roses are red, I failed my test, All because of Hugh and his incest.

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.

My owl turned 180 today.

He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."