My jokes
I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.
Twitter just blew my mind.
I was having a blast until I ended the stream with a bang!
How much you wanna bet you will not repeat my name out loud (at school/work)?
What should my next YT vid be about?
My mom went to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Memes
My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.
Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.
I like my woman how I like my wine, just under 2 years old.
My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.
So I got my brother a jumping castle for his birthday. That bitch cried in his wheelchair.
My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.
Orphan: Where are my parents?
God: New York City.
Orphan: But they used to live in China.
Roses are red, so is my gun. Why do you ask? Because it's full of blood.
My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.
My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My girlfriend's name is Candice.
Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D
There was once a small earthquake, but when I got outside, I realized my brother was still stuck inside. When I told my mom, she just said, "It doesn't matter, you're my favorite anyway!"
Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?
You: What?
Me: She let it go, let it go!
I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."
Lick my balls.
My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.
I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.