My jokes

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?

I only stuff the turkey.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."

LOL

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

Follow my Twitch: fifa_king1122

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*