A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
what do you call a burning church?
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
The drunk says, “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”
How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?
They boil the hell out of it.
Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun : “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man”? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says : Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says : “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. “Pssst - hey Bernie”!, she says. Sister Bernadette asks : “What is it?” A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says : “Do you mind if we swap places”? Sister Bernadette replies : “What for”? Sister Carmel says : “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your ass in there”!
What’s a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?
They are all locked in the Priest’s basement.
Your mama so fat when Santa saw her he said ho ho holy S***
how to make holy water 1-grab a pot 2-put water in it 3-set the stove to 420 degrees 4-boil the hell out of it
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg. P1: Why did the chicken cross the road? P2: To get to the other side DUH?!? P1: No dumbass, its to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me). P2: Holy shitr u ok? Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry
This guy is boiling water the girl walks in and says “What are you doing” the guy says “I’m making Holy Water” She said “How?” He said “I’m boiling the hell out of it”
What kind of jeans do you were to church? - Holy jeans
Youre mama so ugly, When Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said,“HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT’S ONE UGLY BITCH!”
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT MY GARDEN’S ON FIRE
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female… sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general." Reporter: "But isn’t that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
If you shit in a church is it a holy shit?
My Cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my Cat is a Democrat!
The first priest asks the second, “How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?”, the priest replies, “No clue… I close my eyes when I masturbate”