My jokes

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."

Lick my balls.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.

Roses are red, so is my gun. Why do you ask? Because it's full of blood.

Orphan: Where are my parents?

God: New York City.

Orphan: But they used to live in China.

I like my woman how I like my wine, just under 2 years old.

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

Why did my mouth say no to butt? Because that would be too much sex.

My dad died in 9/11.

He was a good pilot.

Roses are red, violets are purple, lay in my bed so I can suck your nurple.

Asdf movie: meow meow I’m a cow.

Me to my villagers in Minecraft: chick chick my guns cocked so frick.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?

You: What?

Me: She let it go, let it go!

Yesterday I had a party in my basement.

I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!