My jokes

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.

I got jealous when my phone died.

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.