1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?
2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.
3. My foot lasts longer than your life.
My Jokes
One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.
What's the difference between my dad and Nemo?
I don't know. I still haven't found them.
Roses are red,
my life is a disaster,
the children are fast,
but the combine is F A S T E R!
My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."
I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.
Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?
He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.
I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.
My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."
My friend Harry.
Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.
We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.
Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.
My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"
"Why is my name Rose?"
"A rose fell on your head when you were born."
"Why is my name Daisy?"
"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."
"Bedrock is better than Java!"
"Oh, hi Brick!"
My bf: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
My bf: Ice cream.
Me: Ice cream who?
My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!
A B C D E F G.
Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩
I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."
Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.
