My jokes
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
What were my great grandpa's last words?
"SHIT MG42!!!"
Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
You are the special
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
My life, but wait, jokes actually have meaning.
Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.
My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?
Divorced.
I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.
My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.
My career is worth more than your adoption.
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
If R. Kelly was a therapist:
14 year old: I hate my life.
R. Kelly: I feel you.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.
(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)
This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.