My jokes
I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.
I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
What did the orphan say to its parents?
"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"
They people: "No."
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
Me rn: "Yo yo yo, for pre-K I went to K.I.S.S. a school."
My friend: "What is K.I.S.M.A.?"
Me: "K.I.S.M.A. balls!"
Daddy, where's my anus?
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
Me: The light wow brighter than my future.
Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
If R. Kelly was a therapist:
14 year old: I hate my life.
R. Kelly: I feel you.
My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"