My Jokes

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

“Your right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

What's big and black?

My balls.

my mom be like

A person covered in mud is crawling through a muddy field. The text above reads: "Accountants entering 2022's busy season, still dealing with the last two seasons." The text "@dylan.does.your.taxes" is shown in the bottom right corner.

I like my men like I like my coffee: black and hot.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

This. This is my class.

[https://www.youtube.com/shorts/xlzTJPmpV9o](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/xlzTJPmpV9o)

My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

"Squid Game" doll be like: "Gugu la gu, your mom, my balls!"

I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.

Orphan: I dip my Oreos in water.

Me: Why?

Orphan: Because my dad did not come back with the milk.

"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."

I would like to thank my favorite President Barack Obama. Sorry, Barack Obama and my uncle Obama bin Laden. I mean Osama bin Laden. Sorry, hummus in my throat.

When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"