My jokes

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My classmates?

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

What does a knife have but not my life...

A point.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

Your hairline is so old, it’s more wrinkled than my great grandpa's penis.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

What did the parent say to M.J.?

"Get off my kid!"