My Jokes

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's nonexistent hairline, even though Josh has massive ears and his face looks like a monkey's... if they were white.

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My classmates?

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

What does a knife have but not my life...

A point.