My jokes

Food

    • My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

    The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

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    Mom

    • My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

    Friend

    • My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's nonexistent hairline, even though Josh has massive ears and his face looks like a monkey's... if they were white.

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    Friend

    • My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

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    • Wife

    • My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

    I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

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    Lipstick

    • Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

    She won't talk to me anymore.

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    Bear

    • The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

    Suicide

    • My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

    I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

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    • Friend

    • I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

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