My jokes

I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

What’s the easiest way to dig a hole to China?

Through my arm.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My pp was in the Guinness World Record book.

The librarian then asked me to take it out.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

So one time I was with my girlfriend, crazy, right? But we were doing a TikTok eye follow challenge, and she pulled up a pic of Gwen Stacy from Into the Spider-Verse, and I looked somewhere I shouldn’t have, and she smacked me, and I changed to the Rock, and you know where she looked? WTF, right in the no-no square, and since she was a girl, all I could do was sit back and watch.

What do you call a person with a flip flop?

My dad.

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My name is Ach.

Ach who?

Bless you!

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My name is Ya.

Ya who?

Yahooooo!!!

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"