My Jokes

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

Your hairline is so old, it’s more wrinkled than my great grandpa's penis.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

What did the parent say to M.J.?

"Get off my kid!"

School Rizz:

You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

Y'all, I'm suspended till Wednesday and can't do much cuz I'm on a tablet, not my computer. Tell autterpop I won't be on till Wednesday or after.

Why doesn’t my bully get a dad joke? Oh, ya, ummm...

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

I left my Avatar at home today.

I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.

I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

1, 2 buckle my shoe.

3, 4 buckle some more.

5, 6 Nike kicks!