My jokes
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.
"Dumbest7" is my Xbox account. Hit me up.
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.
AKA, you're up for adoption.
Rob, you forgot to pay me for letting you sucky sucky on my thang.
AKA you're for sale.
Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Q: I wish my grass was emo.
A: Then it would cut itself.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!