My jokes
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick, but he said it doesn’t taste that bad, so I’ll give it a shot.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Do you think you can solve a riddle about my penis because I don't think you can...
It's too hard.
Stormtrooper: What should I do about my overdue library book?
Palpatine: Renew it!
Stormtrooper: What should I do with this guide for my test?
Palpatine: Review it.
Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?
Palpatine: Stew it.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
I have a penis.
How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.
500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.